ParselTonguing
by creamcheech
Summary: Crack! What really happened after Harry's detention with that Professor whose name no one can remember? Well, it went exactly as it did in the book. Or film. They're not the same? Oh. Well, that confuses matters. Mentions of slash; multiple mentioned.


Harry was minding his own business walking along the corridors of that school he goes to. He'd just served detention with that professor everyone hates. -No not that one, the useless one with the cheesy grin. Poptart..- Lochness..- or something.

Or was that the mythical monster in Scotland?

Whatever.

Harry's hands were aching from forging signatures on autographs when he heard a strange whispering emanating from the walls.

_"… rip … tear … kill …"_

"What the hell? Sounds like that game where you have to associate the last word with the next." said Harry.

"… bum … cheeks … hole …"

"… _I smell blood … I SMELL BLOOD!"_

That last part was screamed right into Harry's ear, but he didn't look round because then he'd die and the entire series would end.

Can't have that.

"Blood? All I can smell is ginger."

Right at that moment Ron and Hermione appeared on screen. - I mean came round the corner.

"Harry! Where have you been? Didn't you have detention with… that guy that everyone hates? -Not Snape, the other one with the cheesy grin. Anyway, you missed dinner! Where were you?" asked Hermione.

"Dinner." said Ron.

"Hagrid's innocent! -Oh wait, we don't know that yet. I've just finished my detention. He kept me there for 25 years signing his 'fan mail'. All of them were from his mother!" said Harry.

"Listen, I keep hearing voices saying random words in a creepy snake-like voice."

"You mean like Parseltongue? You're a Parselmouth?" asked Hermione.

"I'm a what?"

"You're a wizard, Harry." said Hagrid as he walked past out of nowhere.

"A Parselmouth is someone who can talk to snakes … and tastes the air with their tongue." said Hermione, noticing Harry licking the air between two fingers in an obscene manner, but he's a Parselmouth so it's fine.

"… _kill … kill … KILL …"_

"I think the voice is going to kill." said Harry, cleverly.

"Wait, if Harry's hearing a snake speaking in Parseltongue, shouldn't we at least hear a hissing noise?" Hermione asked Ron, who was attempting to eat the freckles off his own arm.

"Come on! We have to follow the voice to try and stop it from killing! Even though it could be anything from an idiot messing about, to a giant, Jurassic Park-like Python!"

"Basilisk." corrected Hermione, as they walked along the corridor.

"Right. Although we could be completely wrong about this and it could be something unimportant, like the abnormally large amount of water on the floor, or that unusual trail of spiders in tiny paddling boats, or even that ominous looking writing on the wall there"

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.

"Do you think this has got something to do with the new DADA teacher? He's always going on about his hair." said Ron.

"_Heir_, not _hair_, idiot." said Hermione.

"Whoever wrote this has hideous handwriting." Harry observed.

"Oh God, Harry, look! That's Filch's cat, Mrs Norris! … She's petrified! Basilisk's eyes are known to kill anyone who looks into them, including cats because they're people too, and petrify those who only see their reflection. Mrs Norris must have seen the basilisks eyes in the water and gotten petrified by it's reflection."

"Don't be stupid, if a cat heard something massive like a Jurassic Basilisk coming down the corridor, it wouldn't just look at the floor like it was nothing! And how could a snake write on the wall? And how did Mrs Norris get up there?" said Harry, not going along with the plot at all.

Suddenly, an enormous group of students came down both sides of the corridor at precisely the same time. They surrounded Harry, Ron and Hermione leaving no escape, because this was the only corridor that lead to anywhere you wanted to go in the school, ever.

Draco Malfoy waded his way to the front of the nameless extras and sneered.

"'Enemies of the heir, beware'?" he turned to Hermione and smirked/glared/sneezed at her. "You'll be next, Mudcakes. -Wait, that's not right."

Draco pondered over the term he was meant to shout, when Filch appeared out of nowhere.

"What's going on here? Come on, make way, make way." he said, as he barged through the crowd of students, ploughing a few to the ground and stamping on them, then lighting them on fire.

"Potter. What are you- "

Filch glanced over Harry's head and noticed Mrs Norris dangling by her tail from the torch bracket. Must be stuck on with glue or something.

"Mrs Norris?" he shrieked, shattering a few nearby windows, mirrors and Harry's glasses.

His popping eyes fell on Harry from out of his skull. They rolled down his robes and into the crowd of students.

"You've … murdered, my cat." he nodded in agreement with himself.

"I'll kill you." he grabbed the front of Harry's robes and ripped them from his body. "I'll KILL YOU!-"

"ARGOS!"

Dumbledore had arrived on the scene, followed by McGonagall, Snape and that DADA professor whom everyone hates.

Snape took one look at Harry and promptly fell over.

In seconds, Dumbledore had swept past Harry, Ron, Hermione and Mrs Norris towards a pedestal where a brightly coloured catalogue was perched.

"Just what I need to buy the things I need at low, low prices. Oh and everyone go back to their dorms or wherever you hide yourselves when you're not on screen."

Everyone started rioting down the corridors, except Ron, Harry and Hermione, who were suddenly tied to chairs.

"I could make a complete idiot of myself right now, but instead-"

The fancily dressed professor swaggered forward and slapped the stiff cat hard enough for it to break loose from the bracket and crash to the floor.

"Problem solved."

Filch wept dramatically and threw himself to the floor by Mrs Norris.

"I'll never love again!"

Dumbledore flipped over a few more pages and smiled.

"Ah! Here we are."

A quill and parchment appeared out of nowhere and wrote down the item number, then vanished.

"Now then. Where were we?"

Filch looked up from the floor and pointed at Harry.

"Ask him! He's the one that's done this!" he said, gesturing Mrs Norris and the writing on the wall.

"If I might, Headmaster?"

Snape got up off the floor and stalked over to the three _very young children_ and leered at them.

"Perhaps Potter and his friends were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time."

The children started at each other in amazed shock.

"Wow." said Ron, "I guess you're aren't such a bas-"

"However!"

"-tard."

"The spirsumsances are shuspicious. Circum. Ahem. The circumstanshesh."

"It's difficult watching you struggle." said Harry.

"The circumstances are suspicious. Ha! Now then. I for one, don't recall seeing Potter at dinner."

"Dinner." said Ron.

"I'm afraid that's my doing, Severus."

Snape turned slowly with his most menacing glare.

"You see, Harry was helping me answer my, ahem, fan mail."

Snape's eyes rolled right out of their sockets, down the corridor and round the corner.

"That's why Ron and I went looking for him, Professor."

Snape whipped his hair back and forth, then faced Hermione.

"We just found him, when he said..." said trailed off and looked at Harry, meaning for him to explain himself.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" prompted Snape.

Harry stepped forward slightly, "When I said I'm in love with Professor Lockhart."

"WHAT?" exclaimed Ron, Snape and Draco, who had been lurking round the corner.

"You heard!" said Harry as he stared longingly at the professor.

"You remembered my name!" said Lockhart with tears in his eyes.

"What about my cat!" protested Filch, trying to get the story back on track.

"Leave Potter to me, Headmaster. I'll make sure he tells me everything." said Snape in a very low voice.

"Innocent until legal, Severus." said Dumbledore, warningly.

Snape grumbled.

"My cat... has been petrified. I want to see some punishment!"

"We will be able to cure her, Argus. As I understand it, Madam Sprout has a very healthy growth on her leg. Once it gets to a certain mass, it can be amputated and used in a potion that will resurrect any who have fallen victim to petrification."

Filch lurched forward and threw up.

"In the meantime, I strongly recommend ballet to all."

Dumbledore's robe suddenly turned into a tutu and he pranced away down the corridor.

Everyone stood in silence for ten minutes.

"Why am I naked?" asked Harry.


End file.
